Metaphor Alert: Secret Service Agent Shoots Himself in DC Negligent Discharge


The US Secret Service has been in a long, slow decline for years. Jump into the Wayback Machine and set it for 2012. Here we are, down Cartagena way, where a bunch of agents engaged a score of Colombian hookers for a night of fun, frivolity, and sexually transmitted diseases.

That, however, was just one example. There have been plenty of agency screw-ups over the years that leaked into public view such as accepting questionable gifts, casually tossed grenades, uninvited guests and assorted undetected fence-jumpers at the White House. None of the failures, however, were quite so high-profile as the Butler, Pennsylvania shooting of President Trump in which he was wound and a bystander was killed.

Oh, and then there was the more recent second attempt to shoot Trump at his golf course in West Palm Beach.

All in all, given the agency’s long, sorry-ass track record of conspicuous (non)performance, last night’s incident in northwest DC probably shouldn’t really surprise anyone. While few details are known, a Secret Service public information officer has confirmed that one of the agency’s finest accidentally shot himself.

According to USSS, the agent was on duty during the “negligent discharge” while he was handling his weapon shortly before 8 p.m. in the area of 32nd and Fessenden streets Northwest. His injuries were not life threatening, and the officer was taken to a hospital for evaluation and treatment. USSS says no one else was injured in the incident. 

The agency really doesn’t like to talk about these things. We heard virtually nothing about a similar negligent discharge that also took place in the nation’s capital back in 2017. All the Service ever says is, in effect, ‘Oops…we’ll investigate what happened.’

Based purely on speculation and without any evidence at all, we’d guess the agent was on duty last night, got bored, and ill-advisedly started to finger his duty gun. But what do we know? He could have been dancing. The feds seem to like being armed when they’re cutting a rug.

In any case, we’re glad to hear that no one was seriously hurt and the agent is expected to make a full recovery. We don’t know if he/she shot him/herself in the foot, but the Secret Service has been doing that for years now, so why not? Carry on. Nothing to see here.

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6 thoughts on “Metaphor Alert: Secret Service Agent Shoots Himself in DC Negligent Discharge”

  1. As a whole overall, federal law enforcement so called ‘Negligent Discharge’ is a more than a rare common occurrence. Its just not known publicly because either it happened when no one saw it, or didn’t hit anything or anyone and no one reports it, or its kept quiet and either ignored or investigated quietly internally.

  2. a night of fun, frivolity, and sexually transmitted diseases.

    That reminds me of the SNL commercial for Bad Idea brand jeans:

    “Normally I wear protection, but I thought … when am I going to make it back to Haiti?” Bad Idea!

    Also notice the anti-gun message they slipped in in. This was in 1990.

    The kidney donator dude was Bob Odenkirk. He was a writer for SNL back then.
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mGfBEnBw01A

    1. Geoff "I'm getting too old for this shit" PR

      “The kidney donator dude was Bob Odenkirk. He was a writer for SNL back then.”

      If memory serves, Conan O’Brien (Late Night with Conan O’Brien) was also an SNL sketch writer around he same time frame.

      Odenkirk deserves every bit of the recognition he’s getting today, that ‘Better Call Saul’ character was pure comedic genius, and all those years slaving ‘in the trenches’ finally paid off bigtime for him.

      (I used to really like Jay Leno, I remember clearly his first show after Johnny Carson retired him saying he would never hang around forever, and then he did exactly that, booting Conan O’Brien from the spot O’Brien richly deserved after all those years in the show that followed ‘The Tonight Show’)…

        1. My friend’s father had an up optioned ’66 Toronado, great car. Jay is a great car guy, but a ’66 Toro should be fwd with a flat floor.

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