Are Crocs the Key to Hunting Success?

While I still mercilessly mock people who unironically wear Crocs, when I was presented with the opportunity to add these Chinese knockoff “Crocs” to my shopping cart for $8 and change, I did it. I needed some slip-on garden shoes for going into the backyard to tend to the chickens and such (I guess that makes me a chicken tender?).

Much to my absolute shock and utter horror, the damn things were so comfortable and handy that I found myself wearing them in public. I mean, I’m married, I’m a dad, I have nothing to prove, and I’m obviously a fashion trendsetter. So…why not? My real shoes (Solomons just like all the real Operators) were stained with blood and dirt from a trip to Africa so they weren’t much more socially acceptable than these off-brand Crocs. I guess.

Anyway, fast forward through a couple months of exploring the depths of my shamelessness and I found myself on a ranch with the wife and kids. And the “Crocs.” Obviously, I went hunting.

My first couple outings were done in my Solomons. Then I was too lazy and too hurried to be bothered with the burden of laces, so I went out the door in my faux Crocs. To my surprise I loved hunting in these foam woman repellants!

Everyone knows they’re comfortable, light weight, and inexpensive (at least compared to real shoes…I think the price on the brand name ones is insane for injection molded EVA foam), but what I found out is that they turned me into a ninja. I set out on a gravel road headed toward an area where wild axis deer had been frequenting, and my footsteps were nearly silent! On gravel!

I managed to stalk up on a herd of axis and I got shockingly close before they became suspicious. There is no way, whether I was on the shoulder of the road or into the wild grasses on the sides, that I could have gotten near that close in my Solomons, hunting boots, cowboy boots, flip flops, etc.

And it paid off…

I shot this gal clean through both lungs. Unfortunately I was testing out some subsonic 300 Blackout FMJ rounds and, despite the perfectly good shot, she ran about 50 yards to the far side of a small creek.

No problem! I popped the Crocs into “sport mode” by moving the conveniently-labeled “SPORT” straps behind my heels and took off after her. That involved some serious off-roading, a little water crossing, and carrying a deer who was extremely floppy thanks to two bullet-destroyed shoulders. Nothing a call to the wife couldn’t help with; she came down with the side-by-side to give me a hand with the extraction.

The wife, however, didn’t want to get blood on her nice pair of Brooks. I had no such concerns with my foamies.

This, it turns out, is advantage #2 to hunting in Crocs (real or knockoff). I always thought those holes were to allow the wearer’s dignity to leak out, but it turns out they also drain blood and water.

That they’re made from a sealed sort of presumably carcinogenic foam means easy cleanup, too! Just hose ’em off and they’re embarrassingly like new again! I filled my crocs with blood, I hosed them off, and the next day they were clean and dry and waiting for me to give my new wife second thoughts again.

And I went on repeat, this time with a very pretty little fallow deer. Crocs, quiet, silent, ninja, stalking, deer, success! Blood, hose, no problem. They’re damn comfortable when sitting for hours in a deer blind, they’re super light, they’re as quiet as leather moccasins but they wash clean. What’s not to love? Don’t answer that.

Next I found myself walking down a trail when I saw a flock of wild turkeys. Thanks, in all seriousness, to the Crocs I was able to stalk up shockingly close to birds that can be very wily with exceptional eyesight and great hearing. Birds that have busted me more than once in the past when spotting and stalking them.

I still had that 300 Blackout on me, but in this case the subsonic FMJ round was just what the doctor ordered and I put one directly through the frontal-facing hen’s sternum. It went through her heart and out the back and did precisely zero meat damage. No pellets, no mess, no fuss. She dropped instantly. My only regret was that when another hen jumped on top of her and started attacking her carcass, I didn’t shoot her, too! For some dumb reason I forgot I had multiple turkey tags and I just shooed her off. Damn.

Anyway, and I’m not even kidding here, the Crocs delivered! That axis and that turkey would not have happened without them (the fallow would have).

I think Crocs may be the secret to hunting success!*

 

* Use this advice advisedly and with caution. Crocs are horrible at protecting you from sharp stuff like cactus spines, burrs, nails, barbed wire, etc. If you’re not in a stable relationship, being seen in Crocs is not advisable.