A Missouri woman, Johnetta Parsons, apparently skipped the casting calls for Netflix’s Ozark, which is a shame. Because she would have nailed the part even better than R. Lee Ermey did for his role in Full Metal Jacket. How do we know? Her master plan to assassinate President Donald Trump was about as sharp as a baseball bat dipped in moonshine.
Her follproof plan included swiping a craptastic SCCY CPX 9mm pistol from her father’s nightstand back in December after she first hatched a scheme so brain-dead it belongs in an episode of Ozark.
Step one: Steal the gun. Check. Step two: Hop a Greyhound bus to…somewhere. (The details are fuzzy because why plan the logistics when paranoia is your GPS receiver?) Step three: Make your way to wherever the most heavily guarded man on the planet will be. Step four: Sidle right up to him and squeeze off a few shots like he’s sitting in a carnival dunk tank.
As for the U.S. Secret Service, Parsons must have figured they’d just waive her through to see the big man with a smile. This was weapons grade stupid with a heaping helping of delusion on top.
Parsons, from the thriving metropolis of Thornfield (population: crickets and regrets), was nabbed on January 4th after her own family turned her in. Her daughter spilled to the cops that Mom was deep in a “mental crisis,” ranting about Trump’s “secret agenda” directed against her personally.
The President, she had concluded, was taking time out from his incredibly busy schedule to personally stalk her. Trump was killing off her family members, burying the bodies in “secret graves,” and—naturally—hoarding all the wealth so the Parsons clan stayed broke.
Johnetta’s daughter texted her grandpa (the owner of the now-stolen SCCY gat) screenshots of mom confessing the theft and her intent to off the president. When Johnetta stumbled home drunk one evening — combative, and still yammering about the hit — her dear old dad called deputies to haul her away. The gun? It was recovered in St. Louis after she dumped her crap in some poor sucker’s car.
This “prior and persistent offender” (two ancient theft convictions) now faces a Class C felony for stealing a firearm, is out on a $5,000 cash bond, and is the subject of a Secret Service investigation that’s “still in progress.” Because nothing screams “credible threat” like a boozed-up, pot-addled woman from the Ozarks plotting a solo hit on the leader of the free world.
According to a criminal complaint filed by the Ozark County Sheriff’s Office in Gainesville, Johnetta Parsons stole the firearm from her father’s home in early December, then took it to St. Louis and left it in a friend’s car almost a month later.
“The victim’s granddaughter further reported that, while the suspect was in St. Louis, the suspect sent text messages to her stating that she intended to use the stolen pistol to kill President Trump after securing transportation via bus from the Greyhound station,” Sheriff’s Deputy Matthew Rhoades wrote in a probable cause statement reviewed by Newsweek.
This is why we need to re-institutionalize the mentally ill.
“This is why we need to re-institutionalize the mentally ill.”
If that happened efficiently we would never have another left winger elected to office.