First, start this conversation with care. Acknowledge and discuss the kinds of fear that may be driving this consideration. Don’t lead with judgment, but with openness and a discussion of the personal factors driving the decision. Ask what’s making them feel unsafe, and then actually listen and attempt to understand. If you skip this step and jump immediately into lecture mode, the conversation will likely be over before it has even begun.
Focus on your shared values. You both want safety. You both want to protect the people you care about. Ground the conversation there before moving into anything else.
These conversations can feel high-stakes. Here are a few ways they might actually unfold:
When fear is driving the decision
Friend: “I just don’t feel safe anymore. I think I’m going to buy a gun.”
You: “That makes sense. A lot feels uncertain right now. What’s been making you feel the most unsafe?”
(Let them answer)
You: “I hear you. I want you to feel safe too. Can we talk through what having a gun would actually look like day to day? Not just the moment you’re worried about, but everything that comes with having a gun?
When they say it’s about protecting their family
Friend: “I just want something to protect my family.”
You: “I get that. That instinct is real. One thing I’ve learned is that owning a gun doesn’t automatically translate into greater safety. A lot of harm can actually happen inside the home if there is a gun present. Have you thought about what risks might look like for your family specifically, and what steps you might take to minimize those?”
When they’re minimizing the responsibility
Friend: “I’ll just keep it for emergencies.”
You: “Understandable, that’s the reason that most people buy guns. The hard part is that owning a gun isn’t just about emergencies; it’s about the daily responsibilities that come with it, too. Storage, access, training, and who else is around. What would your plan be for keeping it secure when you’re not using it?”
When the conversation starts to turn into a debate
Friend: “Well, it’s my right”
You: “Of course. I’m not questioning that. I just care about you and want to make sure you’re thinking through all the implications, not just the fear you’re experiencing.”
Questions that Can Help Guide the Conversation
You don’t need to ask all of these. Think of them as entry points depending on where the conversation goes:
- Are you legally able to purchase a firearm? Is anyone in your household legally prohibited from having a gun?
- What steps will you take to protect children and other individuals in the home, such as those living with dementia, memory loss, impaired judgement, a mental health crisis, suicidality, addiction, or PTSD?
- What type of secure storage device will you use: cable lock, trigger lock, lock box, carrying case, gun safe, gun cabinet, or off-site storage? (You can encourage folks to take the personal secure firearm storage assessment at endfamilyfire.org to find the best fit for them and their household.)
- Does your state require training or licensing to legally possess a firearm? What type of training will you do to ensure you know how to properly handle, load, fire, store, and clean your firearm?
- How would you prepare yourself to de-escalate a situation and ensure that using a firearm is a last resort?
- What situation exactly are you trying to prepare for? Are there other ways to prepare for it and still ensure your family’s safety? Have you considered other effective options, such as non-lethal tools and community building?